Thelma and Louise were driving
(imagine they never went off that cliff)
they were driving near the end of the world
driving and driving and wondering why the sun had gone away
and suddenly, in the middle of the road there was
BRAD PITT
and he was shirtless
and smelled of sex
and though he himself, Brad Pitt, is very brilliant,
the appealing thing about him is that he seems like a dumb buck to fuck
kind of like Channing Tatum (who may be brilliant but for the sake of argument)
and well, Thelma and Louise were doubly confounded.
Here is a young buck to fuck
but the sun is gone
so in theory
we shouldn’t be able to see him,
is he a mirage?
Is the young buck to fuck a mirage?
and did America make him so?
Is he the reason the sun had gone away?
MY GOD IT’S COLD
JESUS IT’S FUCKING COLD
they thought,
when did it get so cold?
Must have something to do with the sun.
Come to think of it
just before the radio went silent
someone was saying something about a
convergence or a
is that right? A convergence?
No!
A climax!
No!
An acme!
Yes!
An acme of greenhouse gases today at 3 o’clock!
Maybe that was it.
And suddenly it dawned on them:
the Low Grade Apocalypse had come.
It had crawled out of their stylish exhaust pipe
and combined with all the little farts they had released over the years
and all the big farts Brad Pitt had released over the years
(and isn’t it amazing that a dumb buck to fuck can release big farts and that makes him somehow more erotic?)
and it had crawled out of McDonald’s drive-thru’s and
Texas oil refineries and
Pennsylvania coal mines and
Chinese ambition and
the Plastics Industry and
really it had crawled out of our own hearts and minds
they thought
as Brad Pitt approached their car
it had crawled out of our own imaginings of course because
we knew someday the acme would come and the sun would leave
and the cold would set in
and the only hope for salvation and warmth would be an extended anal threesome at the end of the world
with a dumb buck to fuck
hoping beyond hope that the cold wouldn’t
prevent the necessary plasticity for penetration of the rectum…
How many hours would we really have left?
If the acme had come?
If the entire planet was blanketed in carbons and filth?
How many days would we last?
And why should we suffer through it?
they thought.
And the thinking happened so fast
and the anal douche had not been purchased and thus they felt unprepared
but one thing was clear:
If we’d fucked our selves into a Low Grade Apocalypse
then we’d best fuck ourselves through it!
And we want to feel it!
To really feel the throbbing, searing, unbearable pleasure of being totally fucked!
Brad was on the hood of the car now
chewing a piece of hay
and smirking
Thelma and Louise
shared a look that encapsulated all the previous text
and,
simultaneously began to undress.
Brad took that as a sign to do the same
here
on the side of a desert cliff
on a pitch black midday highway
and he sat
naked
and very erect
on the hood of their car
and as predicted
his penis was beautiful and very ready for Low Grade Fucking
and Thelma and Louise put on the parking break and climbed aboard
and, just his luck, they had purchased some zucchini for this leg of the trip
that he too,
might be able,
in the final moments of civilization,
to experience the low grade fucking
of the apocalypse.
Though he too,
had not acquired a douche,
and was in that sense,
unprepared.
— Clayton Fox is a writer based in Chicago who has written for Tablet, American Theatre, and Los Angeles Magazine among others. He’s very pleased to be included in the wild, wonderful pages of APCON. You can find him on Twitter @clayfoxwriter