THE DAILY MAIL: ENDTIMES EDITION

Kim K shows off new weight after BARELY SQUEEZING into Marilyn Monroe’s JFK dress

THE NEW EUROPEANS: INSANE FASHION TREND in GERMANY involves CUTTING OFF ONE’S FINGERS and REPLACING THEM WITH PLASTIC TUBING

DERANGED SEX PERVERT tackles LONE WOMAN in NEW YORK CITY: NO RESPONSE from MAYOR ADAMS

THE “PRYCE” IS RIGHT: Jonathan Pryce’s new kids, new wife, and new life following horrid deathcrash that fireburned his old family

From MailOnline contributor Meghan McCain: My father would gag if he saw what the President was doing to his country

SEXDEATH for BABIES? Why THIS psychologist believes being born is our FIRST ORGASM

PLUS SIZED MODEL YUMI NU canceled for “nepotism”: KEPT GRANDFATHER’S JAPANESE RESTAURATEUR RICHES SECRET

Sex with DOGS? Why THIS psychologist believes canine-human relations are OPTIMAL: “a dog is much less demanding”

“I bring families closer together”: DERANGED PERVERT gets off on HARASSING FAMILIES — MailOnline exclusive

SSSSSSSSUCKING BONE MARROW: It’s inside of you, and it’s good for you. Why THIS doctor says you should suck off more than just the meat

Kandle Jenner reveals she was SWITCHED AT BIRTH: shocking secrets revealed

Kooper Kardashian says he was FRAMED: Kardashian subheir stands accused of MURDERRAPE of TEN WOMEN

Scientist finds proof that GOD is REAL and HATEFUL and that we are ALL at His MERCY

HE WILL NOT GRANT IT

Ana de Armas spotted wearing SIZZLING jeans and SLEEK fitted top: exclusive photos

From MailOnline contributor Meghan McCain: why my father would still believe in God, even after the recent evidence that he despises mankind

GOD OR SATAN? The CASE for theocide: exclusive interview with General Mattis, who thinks that we should KILL our creator

Consciousness continues after death but REMAINS in the body, says scientist: “this is our punishment for being alive”

CAN CORPSES FEEL? Some aren’t convinced, others say necrosis is felt by the departed

From MailOnline contributor Meghan McCain: why I still believe in God, even after communication with my father’s corpse-trapped soul returned only screams of agony

Kooper Kardashian SET FREE: “Nothing matters anymore” says warden

DERANGED SEX PERVERT claims that necrophilia can be CONSENSUAL

WE ARE INSECTS TO HIM: Pope Alexander IX commits suicide after issuing ex cathedra statement dissolving the Catholic Church

Can you spot the chickadee? The average viewer takes three minutes to find it among these dogs (SOLUTION IN ARTICLE)

President makes theophagy an OFFICIAL plank of his platform, stating: we must become masters of our own destiny

Kooper Kardashian found dead in Malibu, police believe KANDLE is to blame

Kim K gives statement: “Kooper had a troubled life”, shows off new Skims line

CORPSES CAN FEEL: pain continues after death

“Our duty to the deceased” – why some are choosing to dig up their dead relatives and FEED them

HEAVEN IS REAL

TRAGEDY: God devours astronauts sent to kill Him

Kim K spotted in Paris, France wearing LUXURIOUS white robe

HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN: exclusive interview with God

From MailOnline contributor Meghan McCain: why my father would support the flesh-bone ziggurats being built in Paris

How many slaves will YOU own in the afterlife? This short quiz will reveal it all

President due to arrive in Heaven TOMORROW to negotiate the annihilation of inadequate souls upon death: why your deceased may see an end to their torment soon

“You know what you were doing!” Karen is BLASTED for filming black man who was walking his dog near the meat-cube in Central Park — should HER flesh be added to the cube? POLL BELOW

President agrees to God’s terms: will YOU be eaten? Our quiz may help you find out if God is pleased with you

Obsidian stele erupts from the earth just outside of Samawah, Iraq: Ohio electrician, 47, appears to hold particularly exalted place among God’s chosen

From MailOnline contributor Meghan McCain: why my father would support the enslavement of the morally weak in the afterlife, the annihilation of his disgusting soul, and why I am meekly accepting my role as one of Frank Passert’s twelve thousand-score slaves in the afterlife

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with Frank Passert, God’s  favorite: “I’m kind of surprised”

Kooper Kardashian’s grave found empty in Pasadena: the Hollywood playboy’s life story, his horrific crimes, and why no one can find him

DIVINE PUNISHMENT? Kandle Kardashian killed by pack of black dogs, Kim K believed to be preparing statement (UPDATE: “Kooper’s soul has been split among the bodies of twelve dogs as divine punishment”)

ETERNITY: MailOnline’s exclusive photographs of Heaven right before zero-hour — the divine maw, endless forests of cedar and pine, and what to wear

130 YEARS OF JOURNALISM: a look back on the Daily Mail’s storied history as Britain’s #1 newspaper, from the World Wars to Thatcher to divine retribution

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU GET TO HEAVEN: whether you’ll be eaten, work the fields, or enjoy the luxuries of paradise, MailOnline has exclusive tips for how to make the best of your afterlife as death approaches

THE PALE HORSE — how to ensure swift, painless decapitation when the heavenly host arrives in YOUR neighborhood to empty the Earth… and why suicide is a bad idea!

“IT TASTES SO GOOD”: exclusive interview with one of God’s chosen on Heaven, postmortem slavery, and the breast milk of the seraphim

Your forever, now: in our final temporal issue, MailOnline hopes to help you embrace your eternal fate, be it merciful annihilation within the bowels of the Lord, endless toil, concubinage, metamorphosis into a form more pleasing to Him, or basking in His fearful glory

—  Jan Stanek is very tired and tweets from @stanizslaus on Twitter.

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