Kim K shows off new weight after BARELY SQUEEZING into Marilyn Monroe’s JFK dress
THE NEW EUROPEANS: INSANE FASHION TREND in GERMANY involves CUTTING OFF ONE’S FINGERS and REPLACING THEM WITH PLASTIC TUBING
DERANGED SEX PERVERT tackles LONE WOMAN in NEW YORK CITY: NO RESPONSE from MAYOR ADAMS
THE “PRYCE” IS RIGHT: Jonathan Pryce’s new kids, new wife, and new life following horrid deathcrash that fireburned his old family
From MailOnline contributor Meghan McCain: My father would gag if he saw what the President was doing to his country
SEXDEATH for BABIES? Why THIS psychologist believes being born is our FIRST ORGASM
PLUS SIZED MODEL YUMI NU canceled for “nepotism”: KEPT GRANDFATHER’S JAPANESE RESTAURATEUR RICHES SECRET
Sex with DOGS? Why THIS psychologist believes canine-human relations are OPTIMAL: “a dog is much less demanding”
“I bring families closer together”: DERANGED PERVERT gets off on HARASSING FAMILIES — MailOnline exclusive
SSSSSSSSUCKING BONE MARROW: It’s inside of you, and it’s good for you. Why THIS doctor says you should suck off more than just the meat
Kandle Jenner reveals she was SWITCHED AT BIRTH: shocking secrets revealed
Kooper Kardashian says he was FRAMED: Kardashian subheir stands accused of MURDERRAPE of TEN WOMEN
Scientist finds proof that GOD is REAL and HATEFUL and that we are ALL at His MERCY
HE WILL NOT GRANT IT
Ana de Armas spotted wearing SIZZLING jeans and SLEEK fitted top: exclusive photos
From MailOnline contributor Meghan McCain: why my father would still believe in God, even after the recent evidence that he despises mankind
GOD OR SATAN? The CASE for theocide: exclusive interview with General Mattis, who thinks that we should KILL our creator
Consciousness continues after death but REMAINS in the body, says scientist: “this is our punishment for being alive”
CAN CORPSES FEEL? Some aren’t convinced, others say necrosis is felt by the departed
From MailOnline contributor Meghan McCain: why I still believe in God, even after communication with my father’s corpse-trapped soul returned only screams of agony
Kooper Kardashian SET FREE: “Nothing matters anymore” says warden
DERANGED SEX PERVERT claims that necrophilia can be CONSENSUAL
WE ARE INSECTS TO HIM: Pope Alexander IX commits suicide after issuing ex cathedra statement dissolving the Catholic Church
Can you spot the chickadee? The average viewer takes three minutes to find it among these dogs (SOLUTION IN ARTICLE)
President makes theophagy an OFFICIAL plank of his platform, stating: we must become masters of our own destiny
Kooper Kardashian found dead in Malibu, police believe KANDLE is to blame
Kim K gives statement: “Kooper had a troubled life”, shows off new Skims line
CORPSES CAN FEEL: pain continues after death
“Our duty to the deceased” – why some are choosing to dig up their dead relatives and FEED them
HEAVEN IS REAL
TRAGEDY: God devours astronauts sent to kill Him
Kim K spotted in Paris, France wearing LUXURIOUS white robe
HOW TO GET TO HEAVEN: exclusive interview with God
From MailOnline contributor Meghan McCain: why my father would support the flesh-bone ziggurats being built in Paris
How many slaves will YOU own in the afterlife? This short quiz will reveal it all
President due to arrive in Heaven TOMORROW to negotiate the annihilation of inadequate souls upon death: why your deceased may see an end to their torment soon
“You know what you were doing!” Karen is BLASTED for filming black man who was walking his dog near the meat-cube in Central Park — should HER flesh be added to the cube? POLL BELOW
President agrees to God’s terms: will YOU be eaten? Our quiz may help you find out if God is pleased with you
Obsidian stele erupts from the earth just outside of Samawah, Iraq: Ohio electrician, 47, appears to hold particularly exalted place among God’s chosen
From MailOnline contributor Meghan McCain: why my father would support the enslavement of the morally weak in the afterlife, the annihilation of his disgusting soul, and why I am meekly accepting my role as one of Frank Passert’s twelve thousand-score slaves in the afterlife
EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with Frank Passert, God’s favorite: “I’m kind of surprised”
Kooper Kardashian’s grave found empty in Pasadena: the Hollywood playboy’s life story, his horrific crimes, and why no one can find him
DIVINE PUNISHMENT? Kandle Kardashian killed by pack of black dogs, Kim K believed to be preparing statement (UPDATE: “Kooper’s soul has been split among the bodies of twelve dogs as divine punishment”)
ETERNITY: MailOnline’s exclusive photographs of Heaven right before zero-hour — the divine maw, endless forests of cedar and pine, and what to wear
130 YEARS OF JOURNALISM: a look back on the Daily Mail’s storied history as Britain’s #1 newspaper, from the World Wars to Thatcher to divine retribution
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU GET TO HEAVEN: whether you’ll be eaten, work the fields, or enjoy the luxuries of paradise, MailOnline has exclusive tips for how to make the best of your afterlife as death approaches
THE PALE HORSE — how to ensure swift, painless decapitation when the heavenly host arrives in YOUR neighborhood to empty the Earth… and why suicide is a bad idea!
“IT TASTES SO GOOD”: exclusive interview with one of God’s chosen on Heaven, postmortem slavery, and the breast milk of the seraphim
Your forever, now: in our final temporal issue, MailOnline hopes to help you embrace your eternal fate, be it merciful annihilation within the bowels of the Lord, endless toil, concubinage, metamorphosis into a form more pleasing to Him, or basking in His fearful glory
— Jan Stanek is very tired and tweets from @stanizslaus on Twitter.