Ian, the 52 year old Circle K clerk, got his left arm torn off by a great white on his last summer vacation. His frequent nosebleeds set off an underwater rollercoaster, and there it was. Big ass shark, a thousand teeth. He can still drive a car, make burgers, win fistfights, and drink booze and all of that. Now his friends call him Lil Lefty, the speedboat failure. 

“Worst thing about it is I can’t even properly hug my wife anymore. It’s just not the same. That phantom limb shit has me feeling like I’m half-dead, like my ghost is hugging her on the other side. Bastard took my wedding ring and the Pinhead tattoo on my forearm that I paid $350 for, not including the hefty tip I gave. I could just about murder the son of a bitch.” 

He grips a broken beer bottle in his hand every Friday. The TV has never wracked up his electric bill quite like this. He watches Shark Week when he needs a hit of adrenaline. He wasn’t depressed or anything like that, just angry. Ian would sit on the couch wearing a Pinhead mask in silence. 

“Ian, honey, what are you thinking about?” His wife asks. 



“Nothing. I love you, Darla.” 

“I love you too, baby.” 

Ian changed the channel to a body-building competition. He flexed his bicep once or twice and changed the channel once more. 

“I could just about murder the son of a bitch. One day.”

Ian checked the local craigslist ads for a new boat, blood dripping from the mask’s nose.

Alex Osman lives in Texas and writes stories in fast food parking lots. He wrote the book Problem Child, published by Expat Press, and is currently writing the Coneheads 2 screenplay.