Count Whack-ula

I just know there’s a vampire in my town. The papers say it’s a serial killer, but I’ve overheard the things my dad has said on the phone. He’s a cop and was called out to some of these murders. I have always been fascinated with vampires and I very much want to be one. I’m going out to find him and see if I can convince him to turn me. Imagine how sick it will be to be immortal and to be able to fly. My friends say that it would suck because you couldn’t go out in the daylight, but I hate the daytime, so I don’t care about that. I guess having to drink blood will be lame, but I suppose I will enjoy the taste then. Still, I’ll have to kill people, but I guess I’ll be too powerful for anyone to imprison me. Maybe I can just steal blood from the blood bank? so I’ll technically not be killing anyone, just depriving them of life-saving blood. Oh, maybe I could find a willing donor? I’m sure there are heaps of goths or masochists or Germans out there who would enjoy being blood bags for a badass vamp. I’m gonna be the first vampire with an urban hip-hop vibe. I’ll be able to tag the sickest spots.

The first night I went looking for him I figured he would be in the cemetery. I wandered around the graveyard ‘til about 3am. No sign of the vampire, but I see the glow of a McDonalds over the trees. Screw this, I’m going to get a Filet-O-Fuckin-Fish.

It took four more nights of walking through all the alleys and creepy parts of town before I found him. He was waiting outside Pierre’s Chicken, he seemed to know I was coming. “So you want to be like me?” he said before I had even said anything “Y-yeah dog, like, not with the cape and shit, expect maybe a pimp cape, but yeah son, I wanna be a vampire”

“Okay, I’ll turn you, but you have to leave town once the process is complete, we can’t have two vampires in the same place you know”

“It’s that simple? You’ll do it just like that? I thought I would have to pass some kind of test or some shit”

“What the fuck do I care if you’re a vampire or not? I get to drink your blood either way. Just get the fuck out of town when I’m done”

He took me to his motel room, we smoked a cigarette and he began the process. He started by drinking my blood, I passed out pretty quickly. I came in and out. I think I drank some of his blood. I woke up in Hell. It turns out when you become a vampire your soul is sent to Hell and an actual evil spirit gets your body. What a gyp.

— Matt Fresta is the head writer and editor in chief of Rango Tango zine and runs a hobby record label called Coward Punch Records

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